To Withstand the Test of Time
by DauntlessPokemonRide
Summary: Anthony Lockwood should've protected her. He should've been there for her. Maybe then she would still be with them. (You can find a companion playlist on 8tracks with the same name


They say Death does not care if you're young or old. Someone's best friend or worst enemy. It takes whoever it feels like taking. In a way, they're right.

But really, it's not Death that takes anyone. It's time. That and their decisions.

And Lockwood knew it one of his decisions that killed her. He didn't have to let her go. He could've have made her stay. But he didn't. He let go. And now she's gone for real

She didn't tell anyone she had taken the mission. But that was the thing with freelancers. They always thought they would come back. Didn't everybody?

And with her talent, Lucy had no reason to think she wouldn't survive the mission. He had heard it was a dangerous mission. The ghost had killed at least 3 people before the owner decided that something had to be done. The reward was enough to keep anyone going for a while. It was no surprise that someone like Lucy decided to pick up the case.

They say she was talking to the ghost. It was saying something about the source. She didn't see the ghost that was creeping up behind her. She was too distracted by her conversation with the first ghost. Nobody had said anything about a second ghost. She never saw it coming.

* * *

It wasn't until he saw the body that it finally got through to him.

She was actually dead.

When he walked into white hospital room, he'd expected her to wake up and give him a smile. But as he got closer, her pale face and still chest said otherwise. He remembered picking up her hand and squeezing it. He didn't remember much after that. Just that her hand was cold. So very cold. And it was in that very moment that it hit him.

Lucy Carlyle was dead.

His colleague, his friend, the girl he promised to protect was dead. She'd never smile again. She'd never talk to another ghost. Go on another mission. Fight with George or the skull. Her brown eyes would never sparkle with amusement. He'd never hear her laugh again. It was a rare sound, but it had been precious. Lucy would never talk to anyone ever again. They'd never hear her sweet voice again. Though, granted, not everything she said was sweet.

But the worst thing was that she'd never gotten to say goodbye.

* * *

Sometimes one has to wonder if death is more welcoming if you don't see it coming. If you don't know it's coming. If it just hits you before you have a chance to realize it. But then again, you'll never know it was coming. You'd have your life planned ahead until some accident comes and takes it all away. You'd never get to do anything you dreamed of.

Seeing Lucy's body made Lockwood wonder which was best. Death strikes you whenever. Most of the time, it's out of your control.

He didn't know. That she'd written his name down. It was just a matter of security, really. Nobody thought they were going to die if they were going to go in alone. Just someone to contact in case anything happened to you. He was sure she'd written down her family as the contact.

But when a call came to Lockwood and Co, he knew just what the call was for. When he heard the words she wanted you guys to come deal with the body, he couldn't help but freeze up. A slip in his facade perhaps. But as he heard the words I'm so sorry for your loss, he wasn't so sure he cared. Because there was one fact that kept on getting thrown in his face. And she was

Gone

Gone

Gone.

But he was still waiting for her to come back.

* * *

Her funeral was a small thing. Only her family came. And Kipps team. A few others Lockwood didn't really know. Even though she didn't get along very well with her family, they still came. A few of siblings cried. Holly cried. George was as expressionless as ever, but when he left to the bathroom and didn't come back for twenty minutes, Lockwood guessed that this upset him more than he let on. But Lockwood hid his pain as well Not that they needed to hide it. One of their dearest friends had left this world. George had even put on a suit.

And despite the importance of it all, Lockwood didn't remember most of the funeral. He remembered giving a speech. He'd had something planned. He knew he just made up the words as he went along. Sort of stuck to the plan.

He didn't really remember what he said.

Afterwards George had come up to him and told him it wasn't his fault. He didn't remember saying that it was. Holly told him there was nothing he could do. But she was wrong.

If he had stopped her from going. If he had been there to protect her, she'd still be alive. If he had been there for her. If he had…

* * *

If. The sound of the word caused a flare of anger to rise up within him.. If was a cruel word. It made him think of all the things he could've done. What if this. What if that. Well maybe he could've done something. If he had just been there. There was that word again. If.

IF.

IF.

IF. He felt something metallic in his hand.

IF.

IF.

IF.

Well if nothing. It just had to be that way, didn't it. He wasn't there to protect her. Even after he'd told her he'd be there for her. He. Wasn't. There. He. Couldn't. Save. Her. She. Was. Never. Coming. Back.

Suddenly feeling very exhausted, Lockwood looked around. Where was he? He scanned the room. He didn't remember going to the rapier room.

Looking down, he saw his rapier in his hand. He didn't remember picking it up. He walked up to the dummy he guessed he'd been stabbing his rapier into. Esmeralda got the brunt of his attacked. He spun her once. Stuffing fell out of her and littered the floor. She was ruined. Looks like she'd need to be replaced.

He didn't remember deciding to come down here. Or destroying Esmeralda, for that matter.. He had just felt angry. So so angry. Because she was gone. Because there was nothing he could do. He felt helpless. Helpless and hollow and alone.

* * *

He would've done anything to have been in her place. It would've been better if he had died instead of her. Everything would be so much easier.

It had been eight months since her death. George and Holly decided that it was time to find another agent. To replace Lucy. Not that they had outright said that, but he knew what they meant. They were overbooked and they needed more help.

Four months ago they hired this new girl. Her name was Maia. She was nice, but she wasn't Lucy. She wasn't even like her. Bringing her on missions reminded Lockwood too much of Lucy. Rather, of Lucy's position. But Holly was so fond of her. And George always had fun going to the library with her. She was quite the researcher. He couldn't do that to them.

Besides, according to everyone else, he seemed fine. On the outside, he tried his best to appear as the man he was before anything happened. As far as he could tell, it was working. If there was one thing that he was good it, it was hiding his emotions.

But on the inside...well that was a different story. He had all this anger for the longest time. But beneath is all he just felt hollow. He'd trade the world to get Lucy back. He'd do anything he could to get her back. He'd trade all of 35 Portland Row to get her back. His life, his house, anything, everything. As long as she'd came back, he'd trade anything he could to get her back.

* * *

He used to think that she'd come back. That maybe her ghost would come through the door one day. But it never happened. And Lockwood thought it never would.

Time was slowly inching forward. It was a month from the anniversary of Lucy's death. Business was finally booming again. George was back to being George. Holly was out and about more often. Maia went with all the time. They had started dating a while back. It made the atmosphere around the house lighter.

But for some reason, that light never reached him. He was surrounded by sorrow. Constantly. His sister, his parents, and now Lucy. He didn't want to keep adding people to the list.

He was drowning.

And he knew that when he made his way back to surface, he would never be the same.

* * *

They all say that time fixes everything. Well, people who say that have never experienced death. It doesn't make everything better. But it does give people time to move on. To accept what happened to them. And who knows how long that'll take. Days, months, years.

For Lockwood, it was years. Some people think that after you experience death once, the ones that come after will be easier. But those people have never experienced death. Each one was just as hard as the last. Each person owns a piece of you, and when they leave this planet, they take that with them.

And when that piece of you is gone, you're left with a hole inside of you. And with that hole comes pain. The pain will follow you around for the rest of your life. But remembering the good times you had with that person helps the pain go away. But you can't get rid of it. But getting rid of it's not the point. It's learning to live with it that is.

And as Lockwood sat, looking at the joyous scene in front of him, he finally realized that. Living with the pain is the only way to keep the person's memory alive. But learning to live with the pain... that was something he'd always had a problem with. But accepting death helped with that.

Once you accept that the people you've lost will never be coming back, things don't just automatically get better, but it's a start. A step in the right direction. Acceptance doesn't come easy. You can never truly move on.

It's moments like these that teach you that. As he sat watching the wedding, he wished Lucy was sitting next to him. She would've liked this.

But she's not here. He's here by himself(and George). And things will never be the way they were. He'd never hear her laugh, see her eyes light up when she smiled. Never see her sad. Or happy. But he'd just keep on doing what he'd always done.

Surviving.

After all, that was what he did best.


End file.
